On June 10th of 2013, a former love shattered me. She delivered a logical and illogical reasoning for shattering me that lived with me for the entirety of two years. I made mistakes in my pursuit of her and it led to her disappearing from my life. The shock of it drove me to tears and a sensation I had never felt before. Emotional pain settled in. Unhindered emotional pain massive enough to drive me to obsession. I bored my friends with the story of the shattering, what followed the shattering, and the dramatics behind it. I had a chance for what could have been a lovely relationship and sabotaged it to cling to my former love. Fragmented I was.
On June 10th of 2014 I have no notes on. I have no recollection of it. It was a regular day full of anguish and video games. Or maybe there wasn't anguish. I knew I wasn't happy but I didn't feel depressed. It's just forgotten. A nice sign of recovery I believe since the anniversary of my shattering was forgotten just like that. Apathetic I was.
On June 10th of 2015, I wrote a set of paragraphs on the person I crushed on for a semester or so. The paragraphs closed what was my mini log on having a crush on her after being broken for so long.
Now on April 8th of 2016, I decided I wanted to share my old log on my little crush. Then I got lazy because copying and pasting to the blog does not keep the document in its original arrangement. As such, the bit of poetry in there loses its value and the paragraphs become difficult to read. While rereading my little last paragraph, I noticed the funny coincidence that I would write of moving on on the same day I was shattered two years prior. Whether I did it consciously or not, I cannot figure now but if I did it as a joke for current me, well played past me. The last paragraphs to my log on a short crush are as follows....
"Months have passed since I opened this particular log. Love lived not in quirky Roxanne. It lives elsewhere. What was in Roxanne was the beginning of true recovery. I never confessed to her in the entire year that has passed. We seldom speak nowadays due to some awkwardness. It seems like this was inevitable when she found herself a boyfriend and lost need of my tutoring. I would be sad to revisit my memories of Roxanne if they were all that significant. But infatuation dies quickly. That is where she differed from the past. I took a liking to her that faded quite quickly. While I still find her cute, her personality at times is a repellent to me. Infatuation dies quickly and so does the romanticized lens I saw her through.
I credit most of my recovery from the past to her. Meeting her seemed uncanny when my hormones and emotions were out of control. She brightened up my morning and days while helping me regain self-control. She did all of this without knowing exactly how much I liked her but suspecting that I did. I never confirmed whether she knew or not but I am an obvious fellow. And perhaps her experiences have sharpened her senses and allowed her to distinguish those smitten with her more easily. Writing now without my smitten eyes, I see the time we had as a necessary experience.
With only five entries prior, I remember why so little was written. Some crushes are meant to be enjoyed as just crushes. This was one such crush where I felt deep down that things would not work. I longed day after day to bring myself to confess. Instincts and defense mechanisms kept me from doing so. I knew that if I allowed myself to write about her with the rose-colored lenses I had, I would have suffered a similarly shattering experience in a short amount of time. Now all that remains are the sweet memories with a bland aftertaste of my time as Roxanne's tutor, friend, and admirer,"
Some people remember dates for the joy it brought. Some remember it for anguish. I remember it because of the perfect balance the day has had so far. One year, it was the bane of my existence. It was the day I was shattered. Two years later, it was the day of my reassembly. June 10th is a day of joy and anguish. Whether I saw them with lens of despair or hope, June 10th served as pivotal day in my quest for wisdom. Here's to June 10th, a random day of the year made significant by random failures in love.
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